Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dear Keith-
I have writen to you befor but it never seems to be aobut me. It always us aiybt siemtihng else adn so i guess this time im going to write to you aoubt me. Theres alot you dont knw aoubt me and i guess im jsut so stuck whare i am i want to tell some one mabby jsut ambby someone will finely be able to hlep but hay people have tried beofr and failed

so first of i dont have the peect family my dad has gootne drunk acouple of time sens we moved fomr KS and he lieks to mess aroudn wehn he is crunk witch mean i get slamend into walls or dropend on my back ithngs like that. Witch menas i dont rtleay like my dad and idont realy hang out with my dad like i use to. I guessit is stupied ofr me to hold a grudge but waht would you do? Dont worry my dad hasnt dont anyithg seens octoper so yhea .

Oh and im depresed well aprintly and apritnyl its prty saver atlest acordng to the score i got o nthe test my councler gave me oh yeha write you dont know that eather i have councler now it hapepnd aroudnth etime you were getin alyssa one my mom pritty much made me so i have to go to aocunler but she cfound otu waht a hard shelel i am to crakc nad how i realy dont tlak how she is pritty much going ot give me "tools" to try and hlep this dpressinio nad stop it. Yeah writght bieng messed up is part of my life leasey eye dysleci bad knee bad bakc lets through depresion in there dani can handle it i men coem one she loves bineg diffrnet it jsut is rokcing asum ofr her so lets just ad another label on ther otm ake her feal wors. HA ha wel donst God ahve a sense of humer.

S pritty muc h im a kod wo is depressed donst like my dad and finds my self puling away fomrany one who could ghlep me cosue well they give up. "tooks" are not goignt o hlep me with this depreison thing i dont gie a care if get better so im not to sure why this counciler tihngks this will hlep i dontknow aoubt ehr some times. Btu ahy waht ever its better if no one cares i thne dont ahve to worr yoaubt huritng any one . you might ihnk waht oubt you;re mom well all thos time my dad was mesing around and wresiling with em she never did a hting to stop it so pritty mcuh dot realy trust her a lick. Biut you knw life is good. ITs goldeny good like the sutn in the blue blues stky

Well sjtut hoghu you mgiht nwat to knw a litlte mroe aoubt me seens you know i ma with you alot and on you;re yeachign teamn astuff
well hav eogod night keith

Sunday, June 28, 2009

THe clow rexhes outt fomr the iron gate
IT has broken the lock once agne
now it graps at me with the sharp claws that sink into me
I try to run but it it is hopless
My eefferts are usless
it graps me
it plunges the clues into
my blood is aorudn me now
the red trikels out of my skin
it seeps down
It burnd
ITs ri[[ing me now
I tr yyo screm
but nothig comes
the screams are sapressed
its effertless
THere is notihnh i cna do
ITs claws dig in dep
I finely stop fiting
AS it slowlly kils me
It never though dilers the deadly kill althoug i wish it toanytihng is better thne the tortur i feal
I hear the creasm of ones who are jsut now being attecked
as the best through me to the ground
IT is fdone with me
ITs gmae it no longer wantt s to play with me
It no longer ifnds me abeling
so ttothe gorund it rtothugs me
To the rough ahrd ground
aS the blodd sepes forthe cuts that it left me
THe ones that cros of the scares
Wahr eit has atecked me bfr
MY blood is all around me
Micsing with the damps adn drity ground
THey start to sitng
the dirt mixing in the blood
I wil lsurvive
Althohug i wish ot be dead
This dogen i am rtreped in is as close to Hell as one can get
But the dorr will never open for me
I lay ther now
No hope
Hurting and pledding
thecuts will heal
but the scares wioll remind me
THe beast will coem agen
There face is vode
THey stoped them self fomr fealing
There eyes use to hold asparkal of hope
But then there empty
Now they are void of any hope
Thera re small creases whare smiles once lingerd across the face
But now ther soft
for smiles dpnt cross ther face often
THere skin is ruff
Riuff like thr haeart
Witch they ahve protected with barb wire
The hand that they use to softle toch sholder
Is now ruff and hard
TI no long holds the simpothey
Ithol d anger
Like a viper ready to reals its venom on its victom
Ther sholders are hard
They no longerket thme rest
THe muscils alaways tens
THe no long are a resting place for thos who tears once fell
Thos people left a long time a go
Now all they do is saport themusculer arms
They are empty now thoguh with out perpso
THe larg arms once rapped thme self aroudn hirting finrds
But now they rapp thme slef around notihng
they fell em[tey and with out purpos
There love that they once hd so dear
is now viod of the body they merly live in now
But is it trule living
With out love
They flot in life and they no longer feal
Ice cold there hadns stay
Like the icey coldnesss of there hart
Empty vode
thats what hey are
I want to be a haro
I want save
I want tom akme chang happen
But i cant
Im no haro
I cant amek things change
I cant save anything or any one
How are you sopos to when oyu keep sinking
I cant be a haro
Im nothing that could be ahero
I mkae no diffrence i make no change
Im not helpful at all
Im pritty sure
I jsut hurt
I cosue foights
Adn im make people angree
Im nota haro
Im not helpful
Im not a good daught
Im not a good sister
and of coures im not a good friend
IOm usre the only thing i ever do is hurt
All eiver do is mess things up
I realy dont do anytihng write
I mess up
I wishi ould be better
Wish i could be a better frined
a better dusght
a better sister
but im jsut me im not a hero
im not a side kick
im not even the photogrifer tkaing ther picture
Im th elittle kid
Standing on the stree
wide eyed at the heros
wishing one day to be one of thme
But now the only battle i fight
Is killing th e bug crowligna cross thr stee

Saturday, June 27, 2009

How is it

How is it i cant be here
How is it im not happy
How is it i wat to cry at little things
How is it i never seem to get sue to things
How is it thati jsut kep going
How is it i cna hurt so meany
How is it i cna never go back
I;ve siad so much i regreat
Done s much i hate
I do things out of fear of him
Not jsut ot do it
I do it couse im scared of him
It shoudnt be like that
I houdnt be scared of him
I sohuld respect him
I sohudnt though be scared
I almost stiver when he yles
That is so so so wrong
I hate it
I fell like so times i hate him
Im tired of the being pickekd on
Im scared il snap
Hit him Kick him
Im scared ill hurt him
I dont want to get angre with him
but i know i will
I jsut i odn tknow
im scared of power t
That day i had you pined down
I had to let go
I knew i had the power
And that scared me
becosue i didnt want to hurt you
I know what monstter is in my blood
Almsot like the hulk it runs in me
But its for em to release
And i dont want to becoome that moster
I;ve snene the damig that moster can do
I dont want to hurt you
I dont want be that mosnster but i kno i can be
I've sene my angre rages
I ahve the same tmper he has
And luckey me inharty the same dapresion
Im just asking for it
But i dont wnat ot be the same moster
I dont want to hurt you
But i knwo se easly i cna
THat that alsone scares me
MAbby im better of gon

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

i wnat to write
but i cant

Saturday, June 13, 2009

i am temted to cut
i jsut wantt o feall the pain the hurt
but insted ihit
self mutilaitn somen would call it
i jsut call it pain
its days like thease
were its all goign grate a
dn thne wam there i am
so i hit
my hand aches now
its bene a long itm seens i did it
but the darkeness the wquietneess of the house it tempes me
and i find realife
it only for a mount in the pain that is ragin in my hand
as my nuckes ach with ever single ghit of th key
but soetihng inside of me subsides
icnat cry
iwantt ot but i cnat cry
it angers me
and thne i hit
no kin tonight will brake
no blood tongiht was sheed
but ihit
and thne rest

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

it crazy now
this life
or i guess lack of one is better
no life
that waht i have
do oyu ever find your;e self wishing
wishing everon one would froget about you
my only concern ever would be hirting poeple
pushing somen one els over the edge
by mey aciotns
ha i alread do that
youblame you;re self
but dony uoget it
i did it
If i went iday wit hout feling this way
I might freak out
I get anxiose now
i get worred now
i fronw more now
I slepe lesss now
summer is here
and im wuesiton everthing
I dint knwo waht to do
I wi hsi i had the anqers
to ever quisont you might aks
i woish i could be helpful to eveithg that comes to pass
but i am me
and all of this is not a part of me
but i am simpley me
hopeless worthless meaning elsss
i am me
ou think me importn
but im not
usles worthless
let me bee
leave me and you;ll froget m e
if you leaveme iciupld ocmit i deed
i tihnk clear no long
i am no longer me
i feal lost and emty
worthless hoples
meing less
i am notihng impornt nothng for reosn
I am not who i souhld be
i am notithng that is good
But now m lips iclose
theses tough ill skpek of to non one
that laddy idont care to see
the peole who ithn km perfect
the dmail i souhld not ae a part of
thinghs things i kepe her and in my heart and mabey one others eaars
but how oculdi reject her
so nice an s sweat and caring
you vna never say no
its not bad
exept when i worry her
exepct when she is worryed
thne its bad
bad that is me

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Ourbiget fear

I fear
you fear
we Fear
What do I fear
Whayt do you fear
What do we fear
I fear becoeming you
YOu fear becoem me
We fear becoming eachother
I fear beomcing what ou are
I fear you becomeing me
I dont want to hurt people like you did
I dont want you to hurt like i did
We are so scred
But realy the fear is us
Our self
And nothing els
THe worst is us
THe evil is us
Nothnig els
Notihng more
The hurt the paon
IT comes fomr us
We are the Evil
We are the bad
We mkae it in us
We fight it so mcuh
But we dont realise it is us
THe evil omces fomr nothnig els
but us
we are waht we hate
THe evil springs from us
We eat the apple
We pisked up the sword
We did it
But we cna cahnge it
We dont ahve to let thme turn out like su
WE dont ahve to be like them
We dont have to dow hat they did
We cna cahnge it
Im not thme
You're nt thme
We're not thme
I choose shoose to change
Do you
Do we
Tomarw is gone
WE dont ahve to be thme
THey dont ahve to be us
My fear is ill be you
My fear is you'll be me

Monday, June 1, 2009

i havnet been much help lattely
but you know that
I havent bene doing much good lattley
but you know that
I havent realy made anything better lattley
but you know that
I;ve jsut been makieng it wore lattley
but you know that
I've jsut bbeen meesing up alttely
but you knw that
My words have been empty lattley
but you know that
I wtched tihngs fall aprat lately
but you know that
I;ve bene huirting people alot lattley
but you know that
I;ve let people donw lattley
but you know that
I've frogotten alot lattley
but you know that
I;ve lied alot lattely
but you know that
I;ve put up more walles latley
But you knwo that
The maks is getting tighter latley
but you knwo that
Ive been more of a burdan lattley
but you know that
I'm ready yo let go more lattley
bu you knwo that

Theas words are nothing new
The hoghuts are nothing new
Let thme come true
Let thme be the truth
Let this come to pase
Adn thne be put in th past
Let me lean into it
And be a part of it
Let it consum me
Let it breth in me
Let this be the last
at me slip to the past